Finding Out Who I Am

Horse Tales for the Soul, Volume 3

 
 
 
Countless hours spent looking for a mirror that would penetrate my armor and bare my soul; Countless words exchanged with friends, counselors and lovers who thought they knew; Countless tears cried over things gone wrong; Countless paths that ended no where.
 
 
Was I only the product of parents who could not love?
Was I only the youngest of 5 who had grown up lonely and afraid?
Was I the only one who had searched the world to find myself?
Was I just the pieces of my family, my job, my child, my friends or my hobbies?
Was I only a reflection of my past pain and future anxieties?

I found the answer in the most unexpected of places- in my horse's eyes.
It happened one day when we were intently working on the perfect circle; my conscious mind was asleep but my awareness was on fire. My presence flowed into his as I ceased to be a passenger and became one body, one mind and one soul.

There was no past or future; There was only the moment when focus was ours. Energy flowed from his body through mine and back into his; I was energized but what was reflected was me. He completely turned himself over to me as he followed my rhythm, my calmness, my intensity, my acceptance of myself and he merged with my soul.

I can see myself, clearly as I am, the inner being that will only show itself when I am focused in the now - aware of his every muscle twitch, ear position, each step and how my body stiffens and relaxes. There are no obstructions in the communication between horse and rider; no distractions of yesterday or tomorrow. There is only the reality of now.

I am directed outward. I am energized by the excitement of living. I share with every fiber of my being. I treasure and respect every person, but I love few. I care and I venture into the unknown with some fear but with the certainty that it will be worth while. I am curious and never want to stop learning. I have learned to let go when things are beyond me - I have limits. I play and laugh and appreciate the joy that surrounds me. I need friendship and love. I trust with my heart but I am learning when it is deserved. Sometimes I lead, sometimes I follow - that's the way of the world, but I'm always in charge of my thoughts and actions. I can walk in peace in the midst of chaos around me. I can be the inner core of the spinning wheel.

I know who I am. I see myself every time I look at my horse. It was there all along, I just had to open my eyes and look into his. I am worthy of the trust he places in me when I see his willingness to accept what I ask of him, his turning himself over to me without resistance. He's known me for a long time. I have just met myself.